I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
