im six kinds of drunk right now
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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