I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
