There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
