I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
