I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
