we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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