Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
