Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
