Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I will pee on everything he values.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
