dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
