so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
