I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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