what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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