we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
