my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
