Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
