i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
