Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
