were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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