Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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