Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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