I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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