My sheets look like a crime scene.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
