I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
