Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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