Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
