Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
