So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
it glows. i had to have it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
