if you like me you must not know who I am
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
