I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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