I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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