I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
