If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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