eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
