my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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