I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
