I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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