Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
