Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
