she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
