Who did Billy Mays play for?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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