Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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