This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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