We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
