what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i think my cat just said my name.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
