I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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