I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
