rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Boobs are out for the taking
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
