Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
