I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
